Its the fact that i’ll never seen you again, never kiss you or feel you or be with you again that hurts the most. i just want to cry, and sob and make the hurt go away. im so sorry babe. i cant stop going thru the what ifs and how comes. it hit me hard the first week, then i started to realize okay, he is gone. but now im having these spurts of good but then the bad quickly follows. i still cant believe it, i dont want to believe it. it still doesnt seem real. all i know is that you arent on the other side of my phone or computer. i havent talked to you for 2 weeks, but it still feels like a horrible nightmare. i just want to wake up already, and have you here. i miss you so much Justin, more than words can ever describe. i love you, i always will. im trying to be a better person, esp since youre looking down from above now. i just wanna feel your presence, know that youre hear, know that youre listening when i talk to you. this isnt about me, i cant make it about me. but i wish you wouldve said something, let someone, ANYONE help…i love you justin. theres so many feelings and emotions and thoughts and idk what to do with myself. to say i miss you is an understatement, to say i love you is an understatement.
so much confusion, and pain and everything. im a mess.
“When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”— Sherrilyn Kenyon (via psych-quotes)
Jeeeeez. So bored lately, get off work with nothing to do. All i want to do is take some college courses online, but of course my leadership is lagging. Now i have to wait til i get down range to turn in my TA forms AGAIN, smh. I’ve been asking about college since day one of getting to this unit!